Fantasy vs Reality

sian~ thought i would be enjoying my leave this whole of november... but i'm not... part of it is because i've got no $$... spent too much on my malaysia trip in october, that's y now i gotta stay at home everyday... till my next pay day... but at least next month i would have extra $$ cause i'm doing a part time now... well it's just a 4day part time work in TP... not working for TP though hehe...

anyway, staying at home is ok... cause i still got a PS2 and a PC, well i got everythingy at home that could keep me company for the whole day, everyday... but now i'm getting bored :P can't even enjoy going out with friends... cause i gotta watch out on what i spend on... i'm even borrowing $$ from my mom again... borrowed $20 from her already... still got 1 more week to go till pay day... hai~ i think some time next week i would have to borrow another $10 from mom again... only after i get my pay then i could return it to her...

also, staying at home is not a good thingy, especially for me... cause my mind would go wondering around... i think too much... too much till i broke down... a couple of days back, was about to sleep at nite... it was almost 1am i think... i couldn't sleep cause i have too much on my mind... so i played a few songs on the PC... all kinda sad songs :P they kinda make me think more... till the extend that i broke down and cried... the lyrics of the songs were too sentimental... it adds to my heart ache... i even thought to myself: "why didn't ah-ma take me with her when she died" she could have prevented me from suffering so much now...

i cried for about 1/2 an hr that nite... i just can't stop... till i was too tired to think any more, which i think i fell asleep afterwards... i thought about it for quite sometime... why am i crying for somethingy that doesn't even have a start to begin with? why am i crying for when not even a soul cares or appreciates me? i don't know... all i know now is... i got parents to take care of... and i'm gonna work to ensure they live a happy life... i'm not gonna work for anybody else... cause i know in this world... nobody appreciates or cares about me except my parents and family...

i don't wanna think about relationship stuffs anymore... well i try not to think about it... i mind as well stay single cause this is a cruel and materialistic world... everyone is going after $$, fame, sweet talks and looks... wanna know why? ever heard anyone saying "hey, that fat guy/gal looks handsome/pretty"? i'm just sick of this world... but i just gotta try to ignore all these everyday in my life and live on... all i can say is it sucks...