almost every weekend i would be having flu... it's either due to the amount of dust i had to breathe in while cleaning those dusty photocopiers at customer place, or i didn't hydrate myself with enough H2O...
and not sure y, but always when i'm sick, i tend to feel more emotional n more fragile... my entire mood will drop all the way to the bottom... cus everytime when i'm sick, i kept thinking how nice it would be to have someone beside me to take care of me, n be concerned abt me... that kinda feeling would be so wonderful, that's what it think...
but the more i think... the more depress i get... during today's RT we had to run across the width of the hockey pitch for 20mins... i just didn't think much n just ran, wanna try to block out any feelings by concentrating on running... seeing alot of ppl starting to walk... but i just kept on running... on the way home, waiting at the bus terminal... listening to songs, sad songs... i just felt like crying... i started thinking abt one particular thingy again... one that i had been trying to figure out for a month... i hate to admit it... but really, the problem lies in me... i didn't know what i was doing back then... i think that time i didn't think things thoroughly enough... n so ended up in this weird situation...
i regretted it...
for 25yrs, not a single relationship or a gf... failure, n worst is that now then i realise y this is so... cus i don't understand what is love, all those feelings that i thought was love, was actually not... n i don't know how to love, all the ways i thought that expresses love, was actually all the wrong ways...
i just don't know what is love, n i don't know how to love...
Saturday, October 20, 2007
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2 comments:
Ah Rong, you are not the only one without a gf or relationship. Worse still i'm older than you lor in terms of mths lah. I think love is a lesson that is learned thru experience, as to who to learn from is a very difficult qn. However i do believe that all of us is fated to have a soul mate, and it's just a matter of time she comes by. I applause you for the courage that you showed in showing your feelings, tat's something which i failed badly. Believe in love, it will come knocking at e least expected moment.
hehe true lah... there r others out there oso no gf/relationship, n might be older than me oso...
it's just that from start it's already kinda hard for fat ppl to really have the confidence to love... which gal wouldn't wan handsome/humourous/talented/confident guys? still gotta compete with these ppl loh...
then come rejections, which would either make us stronger or may just destroy any confidence...
anyway, got courage no use oso, i suck at showing my feelings...
and i think the recent encounter was the last i could bear... kinda given up any hopes, locked myself up n threw away the key :P
well... the way i see it, u have all it takes to have a gf... maybe as u said, lack of courage only :P
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